milestones

I received the official word that comprehensive exams have been accepted:

You are now officially a doctoral candidate...Your doctoral candidacy period will be marked by high expectations for intellectual autonomy and self-motivation. Your advisor and supervisory committee will continue to guide and mentor you, but increasingly their focus will be on evaluating your readiness to make independent contributions to your discipline. This period may be fundamentally different than the earlier phases of your doctoral studies, which makes it simultaneously more exciting and more challenging. I encourage you to take full advantage of this stage of your doctoral career and immerse yourself in focused research and scholarly activities.

AMEN!! This paragraph is like music to my ears. I don't care much about the title, but what it means. I have been waiting for dissertation since I decided to get a PhD and I want nothing more than to immerse myself into my research. No matter how late I have to stay up tonight, I am determined to get a draft to advisor #2 by the time I lay me down to sleep.

sometimes you just gotta let it go

I think I'm giving up on the dream of consistency. It's a nice thought, consistency. But I've realized that so many things in my life cannot be made consistent, no matter what I do. There's certain things that I am gravely consistent about, sure, such as eating breakfast. I have generally managed to take care of my responsibilities pretty well, and I have taken on a lot. But eating healthy, for example? Spurts. Motivation, i.e. working hard and procrastinating? Spurts. Similar to the fact that there are certain times in my life where I am unable to sleep without outside intervention, I have to embrace this tendency. Instead of looking at it as a lack of consistency, it is a willingness and passion to step deep into who I am and what I want to express. 

I've been reflecting and having so many thoughts, so many ideas now that I am fairly confident I will be able to propose in May. It becomes more real every second. 

better than never

I got off to a late start this morning. I was feeling anxious again. I'm not sure why. I still have a lot to do, but it's much more manageable. The hard parts of the proposal are over. I am shaky about my literature review, the women's empowerment part and its relevance. But oh well, I'm giving advisor #2 the final say on that. Despite my late start, I wrote/edited for about 13 hours, or something like that. I moved to the bedroom and carved out a comfortable desk on my bed. I love the view of Midwestern tree branches and the sky as I'm writing.I swear, nature makes me write faster especially when the windows are open. However, windows open on a Friday night when you live near campus, not so much. I heard hordes of drunk guys screaming. Their shouts/chants were impossible to make out, yet somehow they did it in unison. I wasn't amused by that shit when I was in college. Although, I will admit to a few loud drunk nights on the town, like singing Little Mermaid songs at the top of our lungs in New York City at 2 am. So, I suppose I'm a hypocrite. 

I'm so excited that I got approved to propose in May!! This means graduation on time!! And collecting data this summer..and peace of mind. I can't wait to get this project started. The more I delve into the research on Iranian women, the more I want to stand with my sisters and fight. The more I want to understand my role in this transnational feminist movement. I keep thinking of ways I can improve my writing, join forces with my sisters, spread the message, etc...

twists & turns

This past weekend was amazing. Absolutely wonderful. It's been hard to get back into the swing of things, but I am getting there. Especially with the great news I got today. I had been worried about receiving permission to propose in May, but I cornered the prof, he read it while I was there, and okayed me doing it in May!! I'm so excited but also nervous about all the work I have do this month. I have to incorporate his edits, my pilot study, the technical writer's feedback, my other advisor's feedback..all by the end of The Month.

My project has changed course somewhat. I really wanted to talk to women activists who had been part of the women's rights movement in Iran. But like other Iranian activists, they live mostly in Europe due to refugee/immigration policies I believe. So, I will interview Iranians here and I'm thinking I will try to do some with activists abroad, maybe telephone interviews. The main thing now is getting my proposal in shape, sending a draft to my other advisor tomorrow, and scheduling my meeting. Once I propose, I can worry about funding. It would be so damn awesome to get funding to go to Europe but that is a stretch. It's hard to fund international projects. But I'm learning to SELL it so who fucking knows!?!?! My committee is amazing, and they truly care about my professional development. They are tough. They are going to challenge me and push me and drive me insane at times.

These next few weeks are going to be intense. All my work has to be done by the end of April. I love that I got permission. I am scared shitless that I got permission. I guess it's time to dive in.

yup

the last few days have been a blur. must sleep now. I'm starving. I just sent it off to one of my advisors. All three chapters. 62 pages, this draft. holy shit. I don't even know where the damn document came from. there's still a long, long way to go. one of my advisors has to look at it, give me feedback. I'm meeting with a technical writer soon. Then I send to my other advisor, then more feedback, and more sending. But for a few days, it's done. I'm still shooting for summer, so I can collect data in July.

I'm tired in every way possible. I lack the energy to move and the strength to make a decision between my raging hunger and the heavy weight of exhaustion. I'm still stick with bronchitis, and my viral infection.

But I feel good. Better than good. I want to dance. I can't, of course, but I dance in my head. I love love love. And lots of amazing fun coming up this weekend, I need it!!

rushed

I estimate that I have worked on my proposal about, oh, 40 hours in the last 5 days. I wanted to have an abbreviated proposal (20-25 pages), but it's turning into a traditional proposal, with the typical length of 60 pages. I have 50 pages at this point and I estimate I will have around 60 when I'm done. This is good, means less work later on as I am writing my dissertation. I'm also a bit stressed that this is still not done. I am really hoping to have a draft sent out to my advisors tomorrow. I'm cutting it off awfully close for this semester. Eek! I'm not going to think about that, just do my best and keep going. I literally cannot spend more time on this than I am currently doing, so I can't stress. Can't stress can't stress. Yesterday, my mom asked me what I was doing to celebrate my 30th birthday. Proposal, I replied. Finishing my proposal draft by tomorrow would be the best gift I could give myself.

Crunch time

The next two days are crucial, as a draft of my proposal (in which I now have very rough drafts of each section) is due Sunday night. I'm getting so close, so close, and it's time to focus. Focus like I have never focused before.