Monday, August 2, 2010

A timeline

I lost my brother at the age of 6, and went from being an outgoing extrovert to a reserved introvert. The number of words I spoke decreased, but the number and quality of the words I wrote soared. I kept a diary, I wrote essays, poetry, whatever I felt like. I won awards and class contests and had things published in the city paper before I was eighteen. For papers, I generally waited until the last minute, drank some coffee, and stayed up all night or sometimes woke up in wee hours of morning. I got some absurd pleasure from being able to do it at the last minute and still get A's. It was effortless so I never really appreciated it.

That has all changed since I started my PhD. A paper I thought was good got torn to shreds. I had to rewrite almost every sentence for another one for publication. Reviewing over 100 sources, then 200 sources, for a literature review. It's been rough at times but it's given me a new and humbling appreciation for writing. I'm so glad I have had to work for it, because the truth is, when I first started my PhD I wasn't ready to write a book and now I think I am.

I don't know what it will do, maybe nothing, but I hope it can help the Iranian women's movement. All I can do is try my best, and use all the knowledge and skills I have learned in the last few years to make it as accurate to participants' experiences as possible, as authentic as I can. (In that sense, being an activist makes me further driven to find out truth from participants' perspectives, to be scientific.) A well-written book, using the skills I have accumulated in the last few years, to engage the audience: non-academics.

A critic within has developed in terms of my writing, and I thought for a while this was sad. This systematic little bugger is sometimes overwhelming, but I'm finally striking a balance between her and the passionate, free-flowing writing that pours out naturally. The one that has no logical structure. It's the tension between science and art.

I need to catch up on reflections in my research log today, and that has consumed most of my morning. I suppose for some it's best to do these day by day. I am constantly reflecting, and it takes time for ideas to cement, to take shape in my mind. It is only through a long internal process that I develop confidence of my ideas, and myself. So I may require a delay in writing reflections. Or maybe I'm trying to give myself a free pass for procrastinating? It can always be that.

All I have done, since graduate school, since I moved here, has prepared me for writing this book. From the early days when I figured out I could better express myself through writing than speaking. I will continue to help as others I respect ask me. I am grateful for them, as they help me define my role in this movement. My missing link was my connection to my people, and I'm fostering that now too.

So today, peacefully writing reflections, while eating pomegranate seeds from Trader Joe's. Best fruit on earth.

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