Friday, April 30, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
2 things about writing that i've learned
as I reflect back on this journey so far, two quotes stand out with respect to writing. One is from the technical writer. I was talking about the format for dissertation and how I want it to look like a book. She said it doesn't matter if it looks like a book now or not, I had to revise it for publishing no matter what. It reinforced that writing is a snapshot of that moment in time, thus why torture myself with perfectionism? and on a similar vein, why be attached to anything I write? It's a passing thought, in the breeze, I have lots of ideas, some stink, some are good. Why be attached to any particular one?
The second quote from a graduate student who worked at the writing center on campus. I had it all printed out, was going through it with her, and super-anxious at the news I had just received that my proposal may not be accepted. I was talking about how I printed it out for the Writing Center and it helped me to see it printed. She said yes, you gotta print it, then she said you can do this. you know this. You have the tools, you know what your issues are (parallel structure, organization, wordiness, prepositions), now just go through and find them. So that's what I did. I went through it with a fine tooth comb. She also encouraged me to read it out loud to myself and that helped a lot. She taught me there was no magic trick to this, it was just about spending the time to go through, revise, resubmit, etc.
The second quote from a graduate student who worked at the writing center on campus. I had it all printed out, was going through it with her, and super-anxious at the news I had just received that my proposal may not be accepted. I was talking about how I printed it out for the Writing Center and it helped me to see it printed. She said yes, you gotta print it, then she said you can do this. you know this. You have the tools, you know what your issues are (parallel structure, organization, wordiness, prepositions), now just go through and find them. So that's what I did. I went through it with a fine tooth comb. She also encouraged me to read it out loud to myself and that helped a lot. She taught me there was no magic trick to this, it was just about spending the time to go through, revise, resubmit, etc.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
peace
This has been a roller coaster, and the adventure's just beginning. Sent off the proposal Thursday night, my advisor had written me Friday morning say the writing was excellent and it was clear I worked hard on it.
DAMN right I worked hard on it. I worked so fucking hard on this. I wrote, re-wrote, edited, and researched, like I've never done before. When I found out the news I screamed. I jumped around. I cried. I danced like a madwoman. I didn't know what to do with myself. I love the feeling of achieving goals but there was something surreal about achieving this one in such a short time frame. Half the time I didn't think I could pull it off.
My final draft has now been accepted. I will send it out to committee members, they have two weeks to read it, then we meet in mid-May. My project's really coming together and I'm excited. The more I had to justify it, the stronger my position became. I am so proud to be a woman. All around the world women have fought for and achieved change.
Crossing boundaries. So much of my life has been about crossing boundaries. What else can you expect from a child who had lived in three different continents by the age of 6? I learned from a young age how similar people were, how different people were, and how to relate to everyone on some level. I learned to switch cultures at will; I learned to play the game. That's why when my advisor tells me to move activists statements down in my paper I comply. I can look like them, talk like them. But I'll never be one of them. I will move the activist part, yes, I will.. I will play by their rules while the fire burns within. I am capable of saying yes, I will do it that way, but as soon as I take ownership, like when it hopefully can be published, I will make my own rules. But for now I will play their game, grinning to myself the whole way. No one can make me be untrue to myself.
Now I am determined to do more than cross boundaries; I want to transcend them, I want to shake them up. I want to fly. I want to relate to anyone, anywhere, at any time. I want to relinquish my fears, insecurities, and anxieties as much as possible. Life is just too damn short. I just turned 30 and I love it. I take a stand against our youth-obsessed culture to assert that I love my body more than ever, our bodies are miracles no matter what size, shape, color, etc, they are. I love my gray hairs. I refuse to give in to patriarchal and youthful standards of beauty. Plus, at 30, I have the pleasure of knowing that I have created exactly the life for myself that I want.
Yes there were times, I'm sure you knew, when I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I grew tall and did it MY way. -Frank Sinatra
This was one of those times, definitely too much to chew, and I spit the doubt out with style (except toward the end where I felt myself becoming monster-like from lack of sleep, but I made it after all!) This is one of those times I call growth. Just as getting through hard times together can strengthen a friendship, getting through hard times makes my love for self more. I earned my self-confidence.
DAMN right I worked hard on it. I worked so fucking hard on this. I wrote, re-wrote, edited, and researched, like I've never done before. When I found out the news I screamed. I jumped around. I cried. I danced like a madwoman. I didn't know what to do with myself. I love the feeling of achieving goals but there was something surreal about achieving this one in such a short time frame. Half the time I didn't think I could pull it off.
My final draft has now been accepted. I will send it out to committee members, they have two weeks to read it, then we meet in mid-May. My project's really coming together and I'm excited. The more I had to justify it, the stronger my position became. I am so proud to be a woman. All around the world women have fought for and achieved change.
Crossing boundaries. So much of my life has been about crossing boundaries. What else can you expect from a child who had lived in three different continents by the age of 6? I learned from a young age how similar people were, how different people were, and how to relate to everyone on some level. I learned to switch cultures at will; I learned to play the game. That's why when my advisor tells me to move activists statements down in my paper I comply. I can look like them, talk like them. But I'll never be one of them. I will move the activist part, yes, I will.. I will play by their rules while the fire burns within. I am capable of saying yes, I will do it that way, but as soon as I take ownership, like when it hopefully can be published, I will make my own rules. But for now I will play their game, grinning to myself the whole way. No one can make me be untrue to myself.
Now I am determined to do more than cross boundaries; I want to transcend them, I want to shake them up. I want to fly. I want to relate to anyone, anywhere, at any time. I want to relinquish my fears, insecurities, and anxieties as much as possible. Life is just too damn short. I just turned 30 and I love it. I take a stand against our youth-obsessed culture to assert that I love my body more than ever, our bodies are miracles no matter what size, shape, color, etc, they are. I love my gray hairs. I refuse to give in to patriarchal and youthful standards of beauty. Plus, at 30, I have the pleasure of knowing that I have created exactly the life for myself that I want.
Yes there were times, I'm sure you knew, when I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I grew tall and did it MY way. -Frank Sinatra
This was one of those times, definitely too much to chew, and I spit the doubt out with style (except toward the end where I felt myself becoming monster-like from lack of sleep, but I made it after all!) This is one of those times I call growth. Just as getting through hard times together can strengthen a friendship, getting through hard times makes my love for self more. I earned my self-confidence.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
fuck
got the worst news ever yesterday, that despite all my work my advisor may not have time to look at the final draft in time for my meeting. I'm working my ass off but i'm running out of batteries man. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm on the (hopefully final) edit stage. I'm so frustrated and angry I could cry and shout, but I don't really have the time.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
hmmm
Usually, I do feel better when I hand something off. I'm not sure why this time, it's not the case. You'd think I'd be grateful I have a few days to let someone else worry about it. But now I'm second guessing myself. Should I have taken out that weak section? How well can one proofread at 3 am?
Plus, I'm so ready to know what this advisor thinks. I am sure he will have a lot of feedback, but what I really want to know is his overall take. Do I get my point across? I will be forever working on details, as long as I write, probably, but I really hope the big picture is good. I wonder if he will think my data collection is too extensive for a dissertation?
I wish I could take the day off but I need to tend to some things I've been neglecting. I think I'll stop at 5 though, I need some kind of break.
I am embracing my identity as an Iranian-American woman. I love my body, its curves and softness. I am starting to become who I've always wanted to be. I am grateful that my career exploration brought me to where I am now, and I still laugh when I remember I was a computer programmer. I can't imagine doing anything else. I am learning to love and be vulnerable, and let people in. I get scared shitless sometimes. I am learning to adore my desires. I want to fly.
Plus, I'm so ready to know what this advisor thinks. I am sure he will have a lot of feedback, but what I really want to know is his overall take. Do I get my point across? I will be forever working on details, as long as I write, probably, but I really hope the big picture is good. I wonder if he will think my data collection is too extensive for a dissertation?
I wish I could take the day off but I need to tend to some things I've been neglecting. I think I'll stop at 5 though, I need some kind of break.
I am embracing my identity as an Iranian-American woman. I love my body, its curves and softness. I am starting to become who I've always wanted to be. I am grateful that my career exploration brought me to where I am now, and I still laugh when I remember I was a computer programmer. I can't imagine doing anything else. I am learning to love and be vulnerable, and let people in. I get scared shitless sometimes. I am learning to adore my desires. I want to fly.
what?
I feel numb. I don't even know which way is up, down, sideways anymore. Is there such thing as writing overload? I just sent a draft to advisor #2, this'll be the last round of major revisions before the meeting. I hope he responds asap, I'm barely making deadlines as it is. I'm still wired so I hope I'm still able to sleep. It is a sense of release though, when a draft is handed off. I think it has something to do with the fact that it's up to the universe now.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
milestones
I received the official word that comprehensive exams have been accepted:
You are now officially a doctoral candidate...Your doctoral candidacy period will be marked by high expectations for intellectual autonomy and self-motivation. Your advisor and supervisory committee will continue to guide and mentor you, but increasingly their focus will be on evaluating your readiness to make independent contributions to your discipline. This period may be fundamentally different than the earlier phases of your doctoral studies, which makes it simultaneously more exciting and more challenging. I encourage you to take full advantage of this stage of your doctoral career and immerse yourself in focused research and scholarly activities.
AMEN!! This paragraph is like music to my ears. I don't care much about the title, but what it means. I have been waiting for dissertation since I decided to get a PhD and I want nothing more than to immerse myself into my research. No matter how late I have to stay up tonight, I am determined to get a draft to advisor #2 by the time I lay me down to sleep.
You are now officially a doctoral candidate...Your doctoral candidacy period will be marked by high expectations for intellectual autonomy and self-motivation. Your advisor and supervisory committee will continue to guide and mentor you, but increasingly their focus will be on evaluating your readiness to make independent contributions to your discipline. This period may be fundamentally different than the earlier phases of your doctoral studies, which makes it simultaneously more exciting and more challenging. I encourage you to take full advantage of this stage of your doctoral career and immerse yourself in focused research and scholarly activities.
AMEN!! This paragraph is like music to my ears. I don't care much about the title, but what it means. I have been waiting for dissertation since I decided to get a PhD and I want nothing more than to immerse myself into my research. No matter how late I have to stay up tonight, I am determined to get a draft to advisor #2 by the time I lay me down to sleep.
sometimes you just gotta let it go
I think I'm giving up on the dream of consistency. It's a nice thought, consistency. But I've realized that so many things in my life cannot be made consistent, no matter what I do. There's certain things that I am gravely consistent about, sure, such as eating breakfast. I have generally managed to take care of my responsibilities pretty well, and I have taken on a lot. But eating healthy, for example? Spurts. Motivation, i.e. working hard and procrastinating? Spurts. Similar to the fact that there are certain times in my life where I am unable to sleep without outside intervention, I have to embrace this tendency. Instead of looking at it as a lack of consistency, it is a willingness and passion to step deep into who I am and what I want to express.
I've been reflecting and having so many thoughts, so many ideas now that I am fairly confident I will be able to propose in May. It becomes more real every second.
better than never
I got off to a late start this morning. I was feeling anxious again. I'm not sure why. I still have a lot to do, but it's much more manageable. The hard parts of the proposal are over. I am shaky about my literature review, the women's empowerment part and its relevance. But oh well, I'm giving advisor #2 the final say on that. Despite my late start, I wrote/edited for about 13 hours, or something like that. I moved to the bedroom and carved out a comfortable desk on my bed. I love the view of Midwestern tree branches and the sky as I'm writing.I swear, nature makes me write faster especially when the windows are open. However, windows open on a Friday night when you live near campus, not so much. I heard hordes of drunk guys screaming. Their shouts/chants were impossible to make out, yet somehow they did it in unison. I wasn't amused by that shit when I was in college. Although, I will admit to a few loud drunk nights on the town, like singing Little Mermaid songs at the top of our lungs in New York City at 2 am. So, I suppose I'm a hypocrite.
I'm so excited that I got approved to propose in May!! This means graduation on time!! And collecting data this summer..and peace of mind. I can't wait to get this project started. The more I delve into the research on Iranian women, the more I want to stand with my sisters and fight. The more I want to understand my role in this transnational feminist movement. I keep thinking of ways I can improve my writing, join forces with my sisters, spread the message, etc...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
twists & turns
This past weekend was amazing. Absolutely wonderful. It's been hard to get back into the swing of things, but I am getting there. Especially with the great news I got today. I had been worried about receiving permission to propose in May, but I cornered the prof, he read it while I was there, and okayed me doing it in May!! I'm so excited but also nervous about all the work I have do this month. I have to incorporate his edits, my pilot study, the technical writer's feedback, my other advisor's feedback..all by the end of The Month.
My project has changed course somewhat. I really wanted to talk to women activists who had been part of the women's rights movement in Iran. But like other Iranian activists, they live mostly in Europe due to refugee/immigration policies I believe. So, I will interview Iranians here and I'm thinking I will try to do some with activists abroad, maybe telephone interviews. The main thing now is getting my proposal in shape, sending a draft to my other advisor tomorrow, and scheduling my meeting. Once I propose, I can worry about funding. It would be so damn awesome to get funding to go to Europe but that is a stretch. It's hard to fund international projects. But I'm learning to SELL it so who fucking knows!?!?! My committee is amazing, and they truly care about my professional development. They are tough. They are going to challenge me and push me and drive me insane at times.
These next few weeks are going to be intense. All my work has to be done by the end of April. I love that I got permission. I am scared shitless that I got permission. I guess it's time to dive in.
My project has changed course somewhat. I really wanted to talk to women activists who had been part of the women's rights movement in Iran. But like other Iranian activists, they live mostly in Europe due to refugee/immigration policies I believe. So, I will interview Iranians here and I'm thinking I will try to do some with activists abroad, maybe telephone interviews. The main thing now is getting my proposal in shape, sending a draft to my other advisor tomorrow, and scheduling my meeting. Once I propose, I can worry about funding. It would be so damn awesome to get funding to go to Europe but that is a stretch. It's hard to fund international projects. But I'm learning to SELL it so who fucking knows!?!?! My committee is amazing, and they truly care about my professional development. They are tough. They are going to challenge me and push me and drive me insane at times.
These next few weeks are going to be intense. All my work has to be done by the end of April. I love that I got permission. I am scared shitless that I got permission. I guess it's time to dive in.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
yup
the last few days have been a blur. must sleep now. I'm starving. I just sent it off to one of my advisors. All three chapters. 62 pages, this draft. holy shit. I don't even know where the damn document came from. there's still a long, long way to go. one of my advisors has to look at it, give me feedback. I'm meeting with a technical writer soon. Then I send to my other advisor, then more feedback, and more sending. But for a few days, it's done. I'm still shooting for summer, so I can collect data in July.
I'm tired in every way possible. I lack the energy to move and the strength to make a decision between my raging hunger and the heavy weight of exhaustion. I'm still stick with bronchitis, and my viral infection.
But I feel good. Better than good. I want to dance. I can't, of course, but I dance in my head. I love love love. And lots of amazing fun coming up this weekend, I need it!!
I'm tired in every way possible. I lack the energy to move and the strength to make a decision between my raging hunger and the heavy weight of exhaustion. I'm still stick with bronchitis, and my viral infection.
But I feel good. Better than good. I want to dance. I can't, of course, but I dance in my head. I love love love. And lots of amazing fun coming up this weekend, I need it!!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
rushed
I estimate that I have worked on my proposal about, oh, 40 hours in the last 5 days. I wanted to have an abbreviated proposal (20-25 pages), but it's turning into a traditional proposal, with the typical length of 60 pages. I have 50 pages at this point and I estimate I will have around 60 when I'm done. This is good, means less work later on as I am writing my dissertation. I'm also a bit stressed that this is still not done. I am really hoping to have a draft sent out to my advisors tomorrow. I'm cutting it off awfully close for this semester. Eek! I'm not going to think about that, just do my best and keep going. I literally cannot spend more time on this than I am currently doing, so I can't stress. Can't stress can't stress. Yesterday, my mom asked me what I was doing to celebrate my 30th birthday. Proposal, I replied. Finishing my proposal draft by tomorrow would be the best gift I could give myself.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Crunch time
The next two days are crucial, as a draft of my proposal (in which I now have very rough drafts of each section) is due Sunday night. I'm getting so close, so close, and it's time to focus. Focus like I have never focused before.
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