I dance the way I live

I was at a party the other night and half-heartedly clapping my hands to the music. I didn't really like the song. One of the guests came up to me and commented on my unenthusiastic and offbeat clapping. He'd never seen me do that before. Usually I am in the center of the circle, dancing away to my heart's content, feeling the rhythm of the music with every fiber of my being.

Reminds me of my approach to life. I'm either in or I'm out. I'm either friends with someone or I'm friendly with them. I have no enemies. I always give people room to grow but if I feel like they have disrespected me or not treated me how I deserved, I don't have a problem walking away. I give lots of second chances but once I'm done, I'm done.

I have a hard time pretending. I have a hard time hiding who I truly am, although the innermost parts of me trickle out slowly with time. I love being me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

oh my god

I fucking nailed it. I knew my shit at my proposal meeting today. I answered everyone's questions and took copious notes. I don't know how it's possible that in the space of 2 hours, I learned so much and my research is going to be way better off for it. I love my committee. They are mostly innovative professors who think outside the box and really want to see me succeed.

The end of the meeting was the most surprising part. I had a page of hand-written notes of their feedback, and I assumed I would be submitting that with revisions in the next few weeks. Then one of my committee members spoke up. "I don't need to see another draft." This sentiment was echoed. So...I. Got. My. Fucking. Proposal. Accepted. The revisions they want are minor and are just things to think about as I am collecting data.

If there was any doubt in my mind about entering academia or becoming a professor, it was erased at this meeting. The sharing of ideas, feedback, improving writing, research, I can only describe as elating.

I finished up my work stuff at 3:30 am yesterday, so this means that for the month of May, I am DONE! Summer school starts in early June and that is when I will begin analyzing documents too. I don't even remember the last time I felt caught up like this. It certainly wasn't winter break, when I was stressed about getting 8 zillion things done. Maybe summer?

And I'm so excited about talking to these women. I'm so excited that my conceptualization of this women's rights movement will change as I talk to people. I can't wait to start writing my findings. The literature review, methods section, all that is out of the way and now all that remains is the fun stuff: interviews, analyzing data, writing findings. Qualitative research is a beautiful thing. Today rocks.

?$%?$

my proposal meeting is tomorrow and I can't think straight for the life of me. Since I  submitted my proposal to committee 2 weeks ago, I have been flying high on confidence and a sense of accomplishment. Today I have been second-guessing myself like crazy. I keep looking at the clock. I wander around aimlessly. I don't even know what the hell it is. Perhaps it was seeing both my advisors today and they gave me suggestions I hadn't even thought of yet. Or feeling like I can't measure up. I could have done this, I could have done that.

In about 14 hours, I will go in front of them, and then in 16 hours, it'll be over. Somehow I find these sorts of numbers comforting today. I have a lot to do. Writing a dissertation is going to be crazy.

I feel so inferior today. A part of me and others keeps lifting me up, but then I get weighed or dragged down.

today, i can't escape myself
today, i lock myself in chains
today, i shut the door
and recede from within

I disappear in me, in thinking what could be

women & men & work

I just read this article about the so-called "mommy track." The mommy track is a slower-paced work lifestyle that got a lot of flack when it was introduced. But as the author points out, the mommy track is now being extended to non-parents. Because guess what the heck it is? A more balanced lifestyle, a more sane life style. Having been in the workforce for a few years doing many different kinds of jobs, the only acceptable options to me are working for self, creating, producing, helping people, these things, that really fulfill a sense of purpose. I will have time periods of intense work in these endeavors, but I don't want spend 30 years of my life working 60 hours a week. And according the article, more and more people are opting for more balanced lives. This is music to my ears because for so long I have been thinking about how the U.S. is ruining places like Europe that did have more balanced lifestyles.

There's a health component too. So may diseases are related to stress and obesity and today's workforce conditions increase these two risk factors. The long hours, the sitting in your chair for hours, the convenience of quick lunches. When I lived in Spain, I remember my senora, a chain smoker in her 60s, walking home for the siesta hour to make lunch for everyone in the household. There is just a different feel to the day when you have that break, especially if you get a chance to enjoy the outdoors for a bit.

And speaking of Europe, I have been thinking a lot about public transportation lately. I think public transportation affects the pysche of people a lot. Having to be in close quarters with people of different socioeconomic classes on a daily basis. In so many U.S. cities, people are divided and do not have the opportunity as much to cross-mingle. I think seeing people of different backgrounds adds a layer of empathy, I wonder if there are any studies on that?

I guess I'm just realizing more and more what kind of lifestyle I want to have. Anything I do, I need to have space to write, and that means much less than 40 hours of work outside the home.  I want to do a lot of work from home, like teach online classes but I need some work outside the home too.

But my identity is a writer. It is the backbone of my profession and a cornerstone of my identity. I realize it more in different ways each day. And everything will revolve around that, which requires a lot of solidarity. I have to give things up, I realize. But I can't have it any other way. I won't.

today, i am doing nothing

Today, I will not run errands. I will not do work. I will be a bum, and watch some musicals, and lie around and eat breakfast foods. I will pet chub. I will kill time, I will dance. I will admire the breeze. I will be more present than I have ever been. I'm remembering now, now that I am slowing down, how important it is to be present. I'm remembering how lovely it is to just lose track of time with a friend on a sunny day.

I miss this. I need to make time for me. I lost track of that this semester. It was like the time period right before graduate school, everything got frazzled and crazy and I couldn't find a way out of it. By the time I decided what I was doing, it was too late to turn back and I had to go full-force every minute.

I hope to collect most of my data this summer. Next fall will be more hectic but I can't believe it will be as bad as this semester. The clinical work this semester pushed me over the edge. The research, writing, I loved it even when it made me insane.

But I don't want to reflect today. I have plenty of time to do that. Today, I am busy, busy doing nothing.

hello, there you are

ok so i'm officially having an attack of the crazies. I am transcribing and I'm missing some words in Farsi. I get frustrated. and then bam, like dominoes, it all collapses. oh what superb reasoning skills I have in my anxiety. I don't understand my language, what kind of interviewer will I be? I'm going to fuck it all up and my participants will hate me. I don't think I'm doing the research that I say I'm doing.. What the fuck am I doing here? How'd I even get this far without someone realizing my incompetence? I can't even finish my final project. I'm going to fail dissertation and live in a trash can.

i thought i would but i don't

I thought I would miss Facebook. I never intended to log off forever, I just needed a break. I figure the distance between me and Facebook would help me realize the great things and want to come back.

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire. -Francois de la Rouchefoucauld


And so it is the case with Facebook. I took some time away and realized, Facebook is no great love. In addition to it wasting my time, it wasn't adding anything to my life. I became active when the Iranian elections started because I wanted to spread the word. It was also a great source of information. Iranians all over the world united. 


I still think Iranians on Facebook can do a lot of good, and do. I have just realized that I need to concentrate on other things. Instead of taking hours to find news links, I could be writing a high-quality book that can change people's minds about Iranian women once and for all. I know that is a tall order, but who am I if I don't make tall orders? All I can do is try my best, and I will forever find peace in that regardless of the outcome. 


I think Facebook is fun, and can be a great way to keep in touch with people. I do miss some of the people. And I miss being able to put something out there and have people respond. Like now, I need a place to stay in Los Angeles for four weeks this summer. I could put the word out on Facebook and maybe I'd find someone. Maybe not. 


In the end, the hassles began to outweigh the benefits. I felt creepy, like I knew things I wasn't supposed to know and vice versa...and the automatic opt-in privacy invasions were getting annoying. 


I am starting to realize my contribution to this movement will be my writing and I have to do everything to focus on developing my skills in that. Everything in life has prepared me for this moment. 


I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Here is the rainbow I've been praying for.
It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day.
-Bob Marley


It's not going to be all sunshine and flowers. It's going to be raw and difficult and seemingly impossible at times, and I will want to tear my hair out. But I feel stronger than I have ever felt. I have the most amazing friends and family and a wonderful bonfire that keeps burning brighter every second...