?$%?$

my proposal meeting is tomorrow and I can't think straight for the life of me. Since I  submitted my proposal to committee 2 weeks ago, I have been flying high on confidence and a sense of accomplishment. Today I have been second-guessing myself like crazy. I keep looking at the clock. I wander around aimlessly. I don't even know what the hell it is. Perhaps it was seeing both my advisors today and they gave me suggestions I hadn't even thought of yet. Or feeling like I can't measure up. I could have done this, I could have done that.

In about 14 hours, I will go in front of them, and then in 16 hours, it'll be over. Somehow I find these sorts of numbers comforting today. I have a lot to do. Writing a dissertation is going to be crazy.

I feel so inferior today. A part of me and others keeps lifting me up, but then I get weighed or dragged down.

today, i can't escape myself
today, i lock myself in chains
today, i shut the door
and recede from within

I disappear in me, in thinking what could be