in the blink of an eye

life can really change in an instant. earlier this week, I was going about my business, trying to get work done, when I receive one of the most important emails I have ever gotten in my life.

Every year, the Iranian Women's Studies Foundation has a conference. I have wanted to go for a while but haven't had the means. This year, I am already going to LA, and have the costs associated with that. I'm just a poor grad student after all. But then I receive an email from them, that I have won an award. I have won an award and they want to present it to me at the conference in three weeks. They need my acceptance speech right away and a physical address if I am not coming to the conference.

#*&($*&#(*$&
Me??!?! Are you sure?

It's for women's empowerment research I did in Iran and it's the first time I'm receiving an award for a specific project. I interviewed 26 women who had broken societal rules, and it was a life-changing experience. The award committee loved it, apparently. Something about "innovative," "effective," and my personal favorite, "simply brilliant." It's amazing and humbling and thrilling and unbelievable.

The conference is in Paris this year. I was super excited until I started looking for flights. I was expecting 800 but they were double that. How the hell was I going to afford this? I cried when I realized how much flights were. The cash amount they were giving me for the award just wasn't enough.

Then I sat, and talked to myself. I remembered a promise I had made to myself when I applied for the award, that if on the off chance I won it, I had to go. I couldn't miss this opportunity.

So I started looking ferociously. I checked out dissertation travel awards, conference funding, job leads. I was determined, determined, determined. It was like the time I was 17 and worked at IHOP. One night, a customer came in that happened to work at a skydiving place and he happened to give me a coupon. I would be turning 18 in a week, so I worked hard to make enough to go skydiving asap. I was generally a terrible waitress, but for those 8 days I was stellar. The week I turned 18, I went skydiving.

This is like that. A short, short period of time to do something huge, something that I will remember forever. Doors were opened and some were shut in my search for funding, but the important point is I'm GOING. I just bought my ticket and I'm going to Paris!!

In less than three weeks, I will get to meet strong Iranian women from all around the world. I'll discuss my project with them. I'm going to learn so much I can't even fathom it. These women will become professional colleagues, mentors, and friends.

Less than three weeks!! How quickly life can change...

out

I get so confused sometimes. I have days where I am not nearly as productive as I need to be. And I have days where I realize being super productive is what I want to be and I need to work somewhere that holds me accountable. Then there are days that I want nothing to hold me accountable and to just be. But I wonder if that would drive me insane. I hate thinking of myself as one of those people who always has to be doing to feel good, to feel at peace. But maybe I am?

There are times when one part of me chides me in anger for not rising to my potential, for wasting time, for allowing the day to pass uneventfully and without an attempt at greatness. I am torn between her and the other part, the one that says you have done okay, now just relax. But I can't, can I?

Sometimes I feel powerless to stop these forces. They war within me, constantly fighting, making me weak. I don't know how much self-care is too much. I don't know if I have cashed out for the summer. Is this all just an elaborate attempt to justify procrastination?

How do I motivate myself when I feel like doing nothing?

this is what always was

this seat was never supposed to be for two. This home was only meant for me, one crazy grad student with a crazy sleeping schedule, and chub, a fatty who constantly demands my love. This road is lonely and familiar and comforting. I was always meant to travel it alone.

I moved here, away from everything, in the middle of nowhere, to find myself. I said it was because of the program. But the truth is, I didn't look that hard in nearby places. Even when I lived 200 miles from home, I felt the shadow of my past creeping around me. I wanted to escape, to reinvent myself, to jump right into a new scene where I didn't know anyone and see how I landed. Would I land like chub does, despite her fat belly and oodles of fur, gracefully on my feet?

I am not sure if I can call it graceful. I am not sure if I can call it ladylike. I do know that I am truer to myself than I have ever been. I have opened myself up to deep pain and rejection and terrifying anxiety. But I am still here. My anxiety, thoughts of paranoia, crippling insecurities, sometimes grip me and keep me from doing much else. But I have learned to move through them, to push past them.

I am on same path I have always been, and it will last one more year. The difference is, there's a lighthouse in the distance.

...

A long time ago, I accepted that there is no such thing as karma, on a micro- or macro-level. Good people may have it hard their entire lives and bad deeds frequently go unpunished. But this stings. The protests to mark the anniversary of last year's Iranian "elections" this Saturday have been cancelled. The opposition leaders and groups weren't able to receive a permit (surprise, surprise) and it's just too dangerous to go out, what with the 2 million Basiji forces called in and all. People may still come out, but at what cost?

I don't blame them. Not one bit. They have been or known someone who has been killed, tortured,  raped, banned from continuing their studies. Things we can't even imagine. How can you ask someone to risk their life? How can you ask them to risk their freedom? How can you ask them to risk their families?

Today, I am disillusioned. Today, I want to crawl in a hole. It seems unimaginable that a country with so many intelligent, passionate people can remain under the rule of some of the most backwards assholes on the face of the earth. It seems inconceivable that these misogynist brutes will remain in power. And all I ever hear on the news about Iran anymore is fucking sanctions and nuclear shit. What a joke. But there you have it.

I'm sure I'll be better soon. A lot more have faced a lot worse, and I have to be strong too. But today, my heart is breaking.

I am not afraid

I realize you have been in power for centuries, you have ruled the world with your fists and your guns and your words and your standards. You have grown accustomed, intoxicated even, to being in charge. You have made people into possessions, created ownership when there should have been freedom, and ignored the needs of the women who helped make you strong.

But I am not afraid of you. I will look you in the eye and tell you I am an equal. I will point out the hypocrisy, pointlessness, and danger of the patriarchy every chance I can. I will not worry about people not liking me. I will shout when I have to.

If I am a true feminist, if I am not to be a hypocrite, I need to stand up for women's injustice in every corner, and that begins at home. No longer can I remain silent. I have no delusions that I will change everyone's mind. But I must try. If I don't try, I cannot live with myself. What others want to do with that information is up to them.

When women become empowered, societies change. This is my research and my passion. This is my life. It's the goal I work toward, that I think about constantly, because I know that is how the world will change. And I believe the most beautiful living thing on earth is a strong woman. So many subtle and not-so-subtle ways the patriarchy rears its ugly head. And sometimes we have to look deep within ourselves to see how differently we see men and women.

I am not asking anyone to do something that I don't do myself. For a while, I didn't acknowledge gender inequality and I didn't think about how being a woman had affected me growing up. Through working at rape crisis centers, becoming educated about women, reading, watching my own mother pick up the pieces after a divorce and witnessing how people treated her, I began to learn. I realized how many ways women are kept down and how much they can accomplish when they are empowered.

I stand tall and proud as a woman. And I am not afraid.

it's coming

there's a rumbling going on. In a few days, my sisters and brothers will be out on the streets again to commemorate the 1 year anniversary of the Iranian "elections." There is some debate about whether or not this will occur and to what extent, but nevertheless the Islamic Republic has been preparing for weeks, shipping in over 2 million paramilitary forces to Tehran. And once again, they crack down on women especially. A new court's been set up specifically to deal with women's dress code, and the crackdown on clothing and veil has gotten so bad women aren't leaving their houses. Will the IR's disgusting misogyny never end? Their fear of the strong, beautiful Iranian woman is painfully obvious. So they attack, they undermine, but they will never break the spirit of my sisters. I have witnessed their strength firsthand.

I wonder how many will turn out, or if they will at all. They may opt for a strike or other forms of civil obedience, or maybe the day will pass uneventfully. Even if they don't come, it doesn't mean the Green Movement is dead. They have gone from shouts to rumbles, from in the streets to underground. There are voices of dissent everywhere, you just have to pay attention.

The hearts and minds of my people are strong, and I believe they are biding their time and deciding the next strategies. I want to march with them. I want to plan with them. I feel so torn between my home in the U.S. and my heart in Iran. I'll be watching anxiously this week.

Beautiful video that highlights the protests of the past year

University protest this week in Iran to commemorate death of student activist killed last summer


Letter to IRI Embassies, Consulates, & Interest Sections to Guarantee Fair Treatment of Prisoners of Conscience - it takes less than a minute to fill in the information and send the letter, which automatically goes to the Iranian embassies in 28 countries

swimming in butterflies

I've been MIA, technologically speaking. much less telephone, chatting, etc. I have to get back into it soon. After a week or so of doing nothing, I start to feel restless. I start to wonder if I'm useless. I've always been like this. I wonder how much of my productivity is fueled by anxiety. Next week summer school starts.

There's been a blog swirling inside me, that I have wanted to write. But I can't get the words out. And that is because I'm dizzy, I'm floating about, I'm embracing the depth and spirit of the greatest love I've ever known. I can't describe it in words, or at least I won't do it justice.

All I can do is jump in. All I can do is plunge into this seemingly endless ocean, full of wonder and merriment and darkness and mystery. I am not the first to "fall" in love and I won't be the last. But this sweetness lingers on my lips and lights sparks in my belly, and it feels utterly unique and personal and fantastic.

I am great at being alone. I always have been. My brother died when I was six years old and he was my best friend. I learned that loved ones can be taken away in an instant. I believe the hurts in our childhood can create a shield around us as protection. A force field, where no one can enter and thus no one gets hurt. In every relationship, I had my bags packed, ready to go, waiting for the first sign of trouble so I could be on my way.

I made a decision to change that because I wasn't living life to the fullest. I was going against my nature of loving openly out of fear, and I refuse to do things out of fear if I can help it. So I changed it, every day, little by little.

I got hurt many times and along the way, I discovered a secret. My love is amazing and anyone is lucky to have it. So I struck a balance: living openly and fully, but only to those who seemed they could appreciate and honor my love. I open up to people in time. I would much rather be alone than with someone who doesn't appreciate me.

I enjoyed my years of singledom. I learned about myself in a way that will make me strong for years to come.Without a television and beauty magazines, I liberated myself from conventional beauty standards. I became enthralled by the miracle of my body and I learned to love my curves.  And I became stronger than I have ever been. And this time when I fell in love, it wasn't about need or default or obligation.

And now, I swim in the butterflies. I bask in the kisses. I feel beautiful and happy and fulfilled. We tentatively started floating toward the sky together, sometimes flying apart but always meeting back together, and we are reaching the sky. We will touch the sky.