swimming in butterflies

I've been MIA, technologically speaking. much less telephone, chatting, etc. I have to get back into it soon. After a week or so of doing nothing, I start to feel restless. I start to wonder if I'm useless. I've always been like this. I wonder how much of my productivity is fueled by anxiety. Next week summer school starts.

There's been a blog swirling inside me, that I have wanted to write. But I can't get the words out. And that is because I'm dizzy, I'm floating about, I'm embracing the depth and spirit of the greatest love I've ever known. I can't describe it in words, or at least I won't do it justice.

All I can do is jump in. All I can do is plunge into this seemingly endless ocean, full of wonder and merriment and darkness and mystery. I am not the first to "fall" in love and I won't be the last. But this sweetness lingers on my lips and lights sparks in my belly, and it feels utterly unique and personal and fantastic.

I am great at being alone. I always have been. My brother died when I was six years old and he was my best friend. I learned that loved ones can be taken away in an instant. I believe the hurts in our childhood can create a shield around us as protection. A force field, where no one can enter and thus no one gets hurt. In every relationship, I had my bags packed, ready to go, waiting for the first sign of trouble so I could be on my way.

I made a decision to change that because I wasn't living life to the fullest. I was going against my nature of loving openly out of fear, and I refuse to do things out of fear if I can help it. So I changed it, every day, little by little.

I got hurt many times and along the way, I discovered a secret. My love is amazing and anyone is lucky to have it. So I struck a balance: living openly and fully, but only to those who seemed they could appreciate and honor my love. I open up to people in time. I would much rather be alone than with someone who doesn't appreciate me.

I enjoyed my years of singledom. I learned about myself in a way that will make me strong for years to come.Without a television and beauty magazines, I liberated myself from conventional beauty standards. I became enthralled by the miracle of my body and I learned to love my curves.  And I became stronger than I have ever been. And this time when I fell in love, it wasn't about need or default or obligation.

And now, I swim in the butterflies. I bask in the kisses. I feel beautiful and happy and fulfilled. We tentatively started floating toward the sky together, sometimes flying apart but always meeting back together, and we are reaching the sky. We will touch the sky.