this is what always was

this seat was never supposed to be for two. This home was only meant for me, one crazy grad student with a crazy sleeping schedule, and chub, a fatty who constantly demands my love. This road is lonely and familiar and comforting. I was always meant to travel it alone.

I moved here, away from everything, in the middle of nowhere, to find myself. I said it was because of the program. But the truth is, I didn't look that hard in nearby places. Even when I lived 200 miles from home, I felt the shadow of my past creeping around me. I wanted to escape, to reinvent myself, to jump right into a new scene where I didn't know anyone and see how I landed. Would I land like chub does, despite her fat belly and oodles of fur, gracefully on my feet?

I am not sure if I can call it graceful. I am not sure if I can call it ladylike. I do know that I am truer to myself than I have ever been. I have opened myself up to deep pain and rejection and terrifying anxiety. But I am still here. My anxiety, thoughts of paranoia, crippling insecurities, sometimes grip me and keep me from doing much else. But I have learned to move through them, to push past them.

I am on same path I have always been, and it will last one more year. The difference is, there's a lighthouse in the distance.