feminism and me, at this moment in time

For a long time, I didn't think about feminism. As a matter of fact, I sometimes vehemently denied the existence of sexism in my world. If I reflect on why that was, all I can think of is that it was so subtle that I didn't see it, or at least I didn't want to see it. What blared much louder, what made me different from my peers, was growing up Iranian in a conservative Texas suburb. I now know that human beings have multiple shifting identities, and at any given time one or another is more salient than the others. My ethnicity was most salient for years and I simply didn't have the energy to think about gender. But that's a story for another day.

I remember the first day of gender class I felt so stupid because I couldn't answer the question "When was the first time someone made it clear to you that you didn't have the same privileges as the opposite sex?" I didn't know. Not at that time.

Eventually the memory inched its way back in. I remember my aunt prodding my younger male cousin to help me with cleaning their living room. My aunt said he needed to help me, I was doing it all by myself. My usually sweet and polite cousin, trying to impress the older kids, said "She's used to it, she's a girl." Snickers of approval by the kids in the room. What is most disturbing to me about this event is my reaction to it: I quietly continued cleaning, resigned to the fact that I would be doing it by myself. That wasn't like me at all, up to that point. I was pretty bossy.

I know people have gone through this journey earlier in life, and maybe some don't get there at all: the recognition of the self as a gendered being. Once the window has been opened, it can't be closed. As a matter of fact, once the window is open, the wind blows in, everything breaks apart-in a good way, in a really powerful, awe-inspiring, intense way, but breaks apart nonetheless.

Feminism is a way of being. Feminism is a way of interacting, it's a way of doing, talking, loving, speaking, being. It's the recognition of society as unfairly balanced and that it's not good for anyone. In Iran, sexism is through laws, culture, religion, almost everything. It's insidious. Here it's more subtle--it's through advertising and big business selling the idea of woman as commodity. The idea that woman's bodies have to be in an unnatural and idealized form to be beautiful. The thousands of money, years, wasted, in the name of "beauty."

I was like that once. I hated my body. I tried so hard to be a certain size. Luckily I never got as extreme as I could have.

Something happened when I started to live alone for the first time in my life, when I moved hundreds of miles away from home to start my PhD. Partly it was my wonderful advisor, who always reminded us to love our bodies, to fully appreciate them. Maybe dance of the dissident daughter. Maybe the gender class. It all sort of fell together. But looking back, it started way earlier, I can see it in the volunteer opportunities I chose for myself: working with survivors of rape, domestic violence, empowering women, so I was somewhat on this journey all along, but with less self-awareness.

I started to practice treasuring my body, finding ways to appreciate it. Bubble baths, dancing with myself, appreciating the fire of my desires and the wonderment of my body, a human body, so powerful and yet so fragile, and somewhere along the way I started to love my body. The more I recognize this growing appreciation and self-love, the more I want to help other women find this power within themselves. Collaborate and communicate, to empower them to realize, they are beautiful no matter what size, shape, color they are. And they can see what society has done to them and they have the power to actively change it.

Feminist movements involve men and women, and sometimes it takes women to really get a movement going, as what happened with the men's movement in response to feminism in the U.S., and the aspirations of men to start something new after the One Million Signatures Campaign in Iran. I am learning that men are great supporters of movements started by women and start gender-related efforts of their own.

But I'm still not entirely sure what feminism is. I have only taken one class in gender so far (next one this fall!), and I'm still at the beginning of my journey.

What I do know is that all I hear now are feminist calls. I want to surround myself with powerful women who are passionate about making change. From all around the world, of all different ages, identities, ethnicities, sexualities, bodies, etc, women and men who are fighting for more egalitarian societies.

This blog is scattered and incomplete, but I guess that is me and feminism, at this moment in time.