me vs. machine, me vs. myself

I decided a long time ago that I didn't believe in mistakes. My reasoning was that we make the best decision we have with the information and the emotions we have at the time.

But what is carelessness? What about things you can't take back? Like yesterday. If I want to be super-gentle to self, I can call it a technical error. If I want be honest, though, I call it my #%&&$@. Machines and I have never had a good relationship--I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I was going to work in computer science. I think it's just that, machines are so black and white. With people, you can always try to talk to them, and I can usually make a pretty strong case for things I truly believe in.

But not with a machine. Granted, it did ask me, are you sure you want to do this? I did consent. But I want to take it back. If it was a person, I would say, I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking, I didn't mean what I said. Will you please allow me to take it back. But not with a machine. With a machine, I might never get it back, never get those precious words back, just the fading memory of a beautiful conversation suspended in time.

There were definitely things that led up to that moment, that I can try and remedy in the future. Everything's a lesson after all. I should have made sure the recorder had space before I started. I should keep my files more organized. 

And furthermore, my actions afterward. Being distressed, and compounding my mistake. A lost opportunity to connect. I need to get the eff over my mistakes and move on, when that happens. I am here for a short time, and I can't miss opportunities again.

So I have a new rule for this dissertation: take advantage of every opportunity. Don't dwell on mistakes, or what could have been. I will do the best I have with what I got. 

And ultimately, it's not about the machine. Yes, it's about those recorded words, but the connection goes so much beyond that. It's about the beauty of human interaction, the bond shared, the essence communicated to each other beyond words. That's going to go into developing these portraits too. And no one can take that away from me. 

No one can take our memories, the touching of our souls. And plus, my journey is just beginning.