this is me

My style has never been to cast a wide net. My approach has never been quantity over quality. I strive to know people on a deep level, it's the relater in me, my number one strength. I want to connect fully and deeply. I want to know people's hopes, desires, dreams, fears, everything. And I can't do that with everyone. So I focus on a few.

I could have talked to more people. I could have jumped right in. But instead, I chose to observe. I chose to listen. I took a step back and allowed myself to feel both inside and outside. I wasn't like most of the others my age, I grew up here, I have an accent, it was obvious from my speech. But I am also clearly inside. I share a bittersweet love and deep passion for helping Iran, especially our sisters.

I've thought about this inside-outside dichotomy before, this limbo of an identity. It makes me uncomfortable at times. Where do I fit?

But this time, I embraced it. And a cheesy video on the plane back cemented it all, something about being proud of your accent, no matter what it is. My accent when I speak Farsi has always been a source of embarrassment. I feel like it distracts people and prevents me from getting my point across. And it magnifies the fear that I don't belong here, I am an impostor, I can't even speak the language.

But I didn't let it stop me. Instead, I embraced it.

My accent is me. It represents my connection to my roots, the Farsi I have held onto at all costs, when everything seemed to be pushing me into just speaking English and leaving it all behind, but I held on.

My accent is me. It represents the sometimes delicate balance of being bicultural, growing up not quite fully part of either. It means stumbling blocks and communication barriers and pushing me to try harder.

My accent is me. It represents me as an individual, how I think as someone who spent my life here, how my words were shaped  as a child, the language I learned to write in, and who I am.

I am realizing that my English skills can help this movement. I am so happy to hear that. I want to use every skill I have ever learned. I vow to never stop growing, and understanding myself as an Iranian-American woman. I will read the great Persian poets like Hafez in Farsi one day, and at least semi-understand them.